Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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