just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
