He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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