The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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