Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
