On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
