All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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