ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
