I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
