yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
