I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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