i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you traded sex for a burrito?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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