Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
