The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
