that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
