Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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