I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
