Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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