I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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