I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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