The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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