Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize