cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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