i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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