I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
