my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
