it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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