You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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