I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am midnight drunk by noon
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
