i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
