im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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