So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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