Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
