it hurts more in the daytime
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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