im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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