ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
