If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
