call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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