My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize