We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize