He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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