Pappa wants mamma naked
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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