he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
