JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
