oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
