im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
