They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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