we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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