so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
