By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
