She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
