It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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