i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
