proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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