the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
