forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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