I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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