there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
